Being Here Now

Do You Like Me?

I was talking to a friend the other day about all the ways my life has changed in the past few years (a conversation spurred by a previous blog post) and she said to me, "But what's the one thing, the biggest thing, the most important thing, that is different?"

I had to think for a minute but the answer was right there.

The biggest difference is that I care about people. I really, truly care.

This is not to say that I never cared before, no, of course not...but somehow, before, mixed up in my caring for others was the more powerful force of me caring about what others thought about me.  So if I did something nice for someone, sure I did it because I cared about that person, but it was probably more because I cared what that person would think of me. I wanted my actions to be worth some "Now You'll Like Me" points. I didn't really do this in any conscious way, but that's the way it was. I see that now. And it means my actions were never pure, never NOT motivated by some deep, deep desire to be liked.

And now, while I don't want others to DISlike me, I don't live my life wondering if people like me, what I can do to make people like me, how I can change how I look, how I act, how I listen, how I talk, and on and on.

This freedom has, surprisingly, somewhat paradoxically, created a space for deep caring to spring. Because I am not always constantly monitoring others for what they think about me, I am free to really know them. To really love them. To really care for them as people (and not as objects reflecting my own low feelings about myself).

It feels like being released from captivity. It's freedom.

 

How to Deal When Relationships Change

One of the the hardest things I deal with is changes in relationships. What happens is that I am super close to someone and then there are some feelings of distance and slight unease. I am changing, he or she is changing, the relationship isn't what it was. It doesn't even have to be that there is unease, maybe someone is moving or having a change in their own relationships (divorce, marriage, new partner, new baby, new friends) and it causes a subsequent shift in the relationship I have with that person. And I am afraid of what will happen.

Changes in relationships are perfectly normal things. They happen to every relationship, all the time. And yet, knowing this, I am still afraid.

Why? Because I have a tendency to make things about me. "If the relationship is changing," I reason, "it must be because of something I did or said, or didn't do or say."

But this is illogical and arrogant thinking. And it only serves to keep me stuck in a cycle of trying to do whatever I can to draw people closer to me, to make sure that the relationship never changes. I do too much, I offer too much, I ask too little for myself, constantly putting what I think and need second, or not even placing my wants and needs at all. It's a recipe for disaster, and NOT AT ALL the other person's fault.

See, here's the funny thing, when the relationship changes, it's not about me.  BUT what I think and feel and do as a result of those changes: Those are ALL about me. If I'm feeling sad or angry or insecure or mean or resentful, that's all about me. My feelings are my feelings, my friend said to me today, but no one can make me feel them, they are my own and I have to be responsible for them.

So then, what's next? What to do?

1. Cultivate the understanding that it is not about you when relationships change, evolve, transform.
2. Come to believe that change in relationships is normal and natural, not to be feared or avoided.
3. Accept the changes with grace, being mindful of your own desires to manipulate or control to have things go back the way they were. 
4. Check the balance of the relationship, are you doing too much, too little, being controlling, manipulative? Stop. Relax. Do the next right thing.

My life has been made amazing by the wonderful people who have come in to it over the past 4 years, but things can not forever remain the same. Change is necessary as we all grow and become more of who were always meant to be. When we want our relationships to stay the same, we are subconsciously asking the universe that we also remain the same. But what we really need is to evolve. To understand ourselves better and to be more mindful and fully present in our intimacy with ourselves and others.

This doesn't come when things stay the same, this happens only where there is change.

10 Tips for Meeting New People

For some, meeting people seems effortless. It looks as if they pick up new friends and acquaintances every where they go. Other of us have a much harder time with it. It can be very daunting, especially if we are shy or are generally fearful of being judged. This much is true, though, social relationships are absolutely vital to our happiness and even our good health.

Just before I sat down to write this piece, I checked out CNN and saw this article: Social relationships key to survival, study says. The point of the article is that, based on looking at the results of 148 different studies, those with more social relationships survive longer.

I've already talked about my lack of relationships in the post The Importance of Women in Our Lives, but I didn't tell you how I got to that point. It happened when I realized I was entirely too dependent on my husband for all my needs: companionship, happiness, love, support. There was no way he could do it all, and I believe the weight of that responsibility for my entire emotional well-being really took a heavy toll on our marriage. Instead of getting closer, we were drifting apart because he couldn't possibly be everything I needed, but I continued to nag him, berate him, and beg him for more and more attention.

One day I realized that I needed to start doing more for myself and start figuring out ways to get my emotional needs met in other ways. I came up with an action plan (I actually still have the email I sent myself about it somewhere--and, yes, I do send myself emails, it's very effective for remembering things!).  The action plan said something like: "Taking control of you emotional health: make new friends, volunteer, join meetup.com, care about yourself". That was it. It was a simple little email, but it was revolutionary in terms of how those four things transformed my life. Using those four things, and the other things in the list below, I was able to make new friends, and you can, too!

1. Don't pass up an opportunity: See someone reading a book you have? Make a comment about it. Is someone looking at a blouse you have? Mention that you also have it. Learn to strike up conversations. Eventually you can start adding things like, "I'm looking to start a book club, would you like to be a part of it?" and take their email. Asking might feel weird, but it can mean the start of a wonderful friendship.

2. Be a good conversationalist: Make sure you have something to talk about when you do get in to conversation with a new person.  I always hate when I meet someone and have nothing to say (not that I often have nothing to say!).

3. Explore your passions: Meet like-minded people doing what you love (singing lessons, cooking lessons, etc.).

4. Mine your address book: Used to be friends in high school? Knew a cool person in college? Send them an email, call them, find them on facebook and make a connection. Arrange a reunion or a girl's night. You may realize you still have lots in common.

5. Start a book club/poker club, knitting club with a few ladies/gents you do know and encourage people to invite anyone they know. Have a couple great friends? Have each person bring 1 or 2 new people to the next get-together.

6. Check out MeetUp! It worked great for me and there are meetup groups getting together all over the world. Chances are there are several where you live, too.

7. Maintain relationships once you make them. Once you get an email or a phone number, USE IT!

8. See what events are going on in your town and start attending.  Here in Indy, there's a Slow Food group that gets together a lot. The same people tend to attend the events with some new people every time. It's a great way to meet people if you are shy because you'll see the same faces over and over.

9. Constantly be on the lookout for new experiences. I now make sure I am always planning to do things that will put me in the company of new people. I know that making friends requires work and opportunity (meaning you have to see new people in order to make new friends).

10. Volunteer: think of something you really care about and donate your time. You'll not only meet new like-minded people, you'll also be improving your self-esteem.

Now go out and meet someone! And then tell me about it.

 

Update to the Blog

As I have gotten in to the groove of writing this blog, I've realized that I can't include food/restaurant reviews and such here. It just doesn't fit. So I've created a new space for all that, and decided to up the bar a bit.

A part of my journey has been coming to terms with where I live. And not just accepting Indianapolis, but really embracing it. As such, a new blog was born:

Indianapolis: Always Interesting

It's a tribute to the people, places, and events that make this place I call home this place that I love.

I've often complained about the lack of natural beauty here in Indy (there's actually many beautiful parts of the state, but Indy is rather flat and lacks topographical interest) but a friend gave me a new perspective the other night. He said, "You might actually get tired of mountains and oceans, but you never get tired of kindness."

That stuck me with and resonated deeply. He's totally right. The people here are kind and warm and they are part of what makes Indy a great place to be. His wife, also my friend, and I talked about how Indy is "gentle...and comforting." It is.

And so, I'm taking all this to a new home. Check it out now and again.

neesh

I am Not Who I Used to Be

One of the things I am coming to understand as I continue on this path is that though I may be changing, there are many, many people in my life who will always see me as I was between the ages of 10-29. They'll see me as the liar, the ego-maniac, the tall-tale teller, and the overly sharp criticizer. The one who let people down by promising and not following through, by not being dependable.

And I can't do anything about it but live my truth today. It's upsetting, sometimes, to feel myself being painted with that same broad brush, but I know it's a persona I cultivated on my own. If anyone thinks anything about me, it's because I projected that image and acted in ways that perpetuated that reality.

I feel powerless (and I truly am) to do anything to change people's perceptions, especially when they live far away and I live here in Indy. I see them maybe once a year, maybe not, and usually in large gatherings. No time for intimate discussions, no time for others to experience the new me.

Part of me (a lot of me) really wants that to happen. I want others to see me as I am today. As I was always meant to be. The strength, grace, joy, and honesty that I have to offer, with humility and compassion to boot. But I know I can't force it. I have to live my truth as it is today and bring people to me through attraction rather than promotion. I want to go out and shout, "Can't you see how DIFFERENT I am? How much I've changed? How I am so NOT the person I used to be?" But I can't do that: 1: because I won't debase myself in that way for anyone ever again in order to gain approval and 2: because I am just not that dependent on other people’s ideas of me any more.

I mourn the loss of the relationships that might've been had I been healthier in my youth, had I more esteem, more care, less hurt. But I am going on now, trying to begin anew, forging new relationships, but leaving the door open so that maybe we can all come full circle and experience a new reality together.

So, goodbye dreams of old relationships. Goodbye dreams of the way I wish things were.

I'm giving it away, I'm giving it up, I'm letting it go. Goodbye old Neesha, goodbye forever. May people get to know me as I am now and if they don't, I am still okay knowing I am now living a life of purpose.

I suspect many of you have felt the same way from time-to-time. Maybe regretted past hurts you’ve caused, or ways that you have been. Here’s what I say is the most important thing you can do: Live the life of honor and purpose that you were always meant to. Care for yourself first and do what your highest ideals demand of you. Making amends, apologizing, these are very important things, but best done when you know how to do it appropriately (I'll talk about this in a coming post), but the greatest gift you can give the world and those you may have hurt is the gift of a YOU who is living his or her best life, full of kindness and grace.

Think Like a Child, Act Like an Adult

I got this message loud and clear this week. An amazing thing really. A friend of mine was looking at pictures of the Gulf oil spill with a young man in her life, 6-year-old Evan Redlin, to be precise. They saw pictures of the blackened ocean and of turtles and whales covered in oil. Evan immediately said, “Oh no! I want to help!” There was no, “Who did that!” or “How did that happen”, he was immediately and only concerned with what he could do to contribute. This demonstrates a wonderful quality of a child’s way of thinking.

Children are great at being present. They think about the here and now and are little concerned with the past or future. They are able to have a huge fight with their friends one minute, and be giggling over ice cream the next. It’s a lovely thing.

As nice as it was that Evan quickly wanted to help, and this is a trait we should all work on improving, he needed the adults in his life to help him reach a goal. And this gets to the second point I’m making. We should act like adults. It was the good sense and drive of Kelly and James (the lovely people who raise Evan and his sister, Nikol) who were able to make Evan’s want come to a positive end. They quickly picked up on his enthusiasm and devised a Silent Auction. They and their friends bought items, the kids painted artwork that were lovingly framed and presented, and many offered services. Their efforts resulted in $850 raised for the Ocean Conservancy.

The Ocean Conservancy

Another point to make here is the value of giving back that Kelly and James are teaching Evan and Nikol. Evan had a thought that he wanted to give back, but when he saw his ideas come to fruition, I believe he learned a wonderful lesson on what a little hard work and effort can do to bring about great results. These are lessons that are going to last for a lifetime.

We were also able to get an article posted in the Indianapolis Star to tout their success!

Columbus Kids Raise $850 for the Ocean Conservancy

There are a couple things that I want to end with today. First, as important as it is to be present and to think with the mindfulness of a child, it is as important to be able to follow through like an adult. These two traits, when combined, are a striking combination.

Here are some pictures of the Silent Auction. Enjoy!

The Art Table:

Buffet set up:

Brunch:

Evan and Nikol after the Event:

Give a Little Get a Lot

I know a way to increase love in your life, in others, and can continue to expand happiness in waves. It’s simple and easy, and yet many of us don’t do it nearly enough. It’s easy as pie, and just as sweet. It exists in the sincerely given compliment, recognition of a job well done, and in appreciation of a kindness given.

It seems like it would be easy to give a compliment. To tell a friend, “You look beautiful today” or to say to a classmate or colleague, “That was a fantastic presentation”. Somehow, though we may think these things, we don’t often give voice to our feelings. I recognized this in myself. And I knew it was due to a bit of envy, and something else…

The more I sat with those feelings to understand what was happening; I realized I was doing the one up/one down game with myself again (and it was with myself, when I don’t give voice to what’s happening in my head, no one else is playing along). I was seeing myself as somehow superior or somehow lesser than the people in my life. Very rarely could I see myself as on the same ‘level,’ as it were. You were either better than me, so I should try to be like you, or you were worse off, in which case I should avoid you or pity you with my friendship. And, therefore, by giving a compliment or an acknowledgement, I was either placing you even higher than you were, or I was putting you at my level (and I couldn’t do that!!). This came to me as a revelation.

As I came to understand what I was doing, I watched myself more. I tried to feel my feelings deeply, to really sit with them and see what was happening. Often, when I was around those who I considered superior, I felt a little tenseness in my gut, like an upset stomach. I felt on edge, a little overly aware of my actions and a little overly conscious. When I was with someone I considered below me, I felt smug, like I was smarter and knew better. I felt myself standing taller and looking down my nose a bit. I can tell you now I don’t like either of those places.

I want to make it clear, it took several weeks of being exquisitely present, of really practicing mindfulness for me to understand what I was doing. I thought I was making choices. Turns out I was following a script I have probably followed for years upon years.

When I became more aware of what I was doing, and realized that I didn’t want to be that way, I made an attempt to tell people what I was thinking. If a compliment came to mind, I found that source of love inside and gave that compliment with as much sincerity as I could muster. If someone gave me good service at a grocery store, I told him or her. I tried not to let any good deed or kindness go unnoticed.

Here’s the really awesome thing that. When I gave love and kindness out, it DID NOT diminish. In fact, every time I was able to compliment someone, or recognize a kindness, I felt lighter, happier, more here. And those people, too. They often went about their days feeling happier. Because who doesn’t like to be noticed or appreciated? And those people were probably nicer to the people they met along their day, and to their families. Can you see how this works? You do something that takes nothing away from you, but rather, fills you up, and you increase happiness in the world. You cultivate JOY.

 

Here are some tips on learning to express appreciation:

1. When you think something about someone but find that you don’t give voice to it, examine why. There might something going on with you that you need to work on.

2. Understand your intentions. When your intentions are love and joy, you will get that in return, but when your intentions are not so pure (i.e. only wanting to kiss up or something along those lines), you’ll notice the love and joy don’t flow quite so freely. What I’m saying is, really mean it.

3. Give yourself a goal. Try to give compliments or express appreciation five times a day. This exercise also forces you to be present because you have to be looking for opportunities. You learn to be grateful for the goodness in the world, and you learn a little about being here now.

 

By the way, have I told you I appreciate you? Your interest in my writing fills me with joy and I can’t express in words how much happiness this exercise is bringing me. Thank you.

Sunday Fun Day

It's been a wonderful journey, starting this blog. I am blessed by all the people who've told me, emailed me, texted me how much they're enjoying the posts. I really can't tell you how great that makes me feel. So, I am going to write a post about it for Monday. This post is truly dedicated to my cousin, Vishal. He's shown me the power of a nicely-given compliment and how it can increase the happiness not only for the person receiving the compliment, but for all the people around the receiver. A compliment is truly the gift that keeps on giving.

But sometimes, we're afraid to give compliments. And there are reasons for that. And I'll explore all that in more detail for Monday.

In the meantime. I am glad to see that so many of my friends are thinking a little more about what they're doing, how they're living, and how they're experiencing the actions of others. My ultimate goal is to help raise people's consciousness. Not for my benefit, but for the benefit of all of us. As each of us become happier, more fulfilled, and more aligned with our purpose in life, we affect the people around us in positive ways.

Let us all become lights in this world so those still in darkness can find their way.

The World Does Not Revolve Around You

I hate to be the bearer of such news, but it's true. Not everyone is thinking about you, looking at you, or wondering what you're doing. You aren't the first thing most people think of when they get up in the morning, and you aren't what they think of when they lay their heads down at night. It is true, to some people you may incredibly important and they may be thinking of you a lot. But most of us aren't.

I am sad to say that I had long suffered from this delusion of grandeur. Thinking that when people made decisions, they made them to either include me or hurt me. Not that it might not have happened for real  sometimes. I remember being the kind of kid that always wanted to hang out with my older cousins. I am sure I got left behind a time or two because they wanted a break!

Let me give you an example of a way that I knew I had changed. A few weeks ago, my husband asked me what I thought of the new covered porch his dad had put on the house. I said, "What porch?!" He asked me if I'd looked at the pictures that dad sent out. I responded that I hadn't gotten the pictures. When my husband checked the message he found that dad had sent them out to all the kids/spouses but left me off. My husband immediately became worried (because I had him trained at this point) and said, "Are you mad?" And with all honesty and a completely untroubled spirit I was able to respond, "What for? He forgot. I can look at the pictures from your email." My husband looked at me like I had 2 heads and grew bat wings.

In the past, I would really have taken that as dad not liking me, or excluding me, or something. And then I would have used my hurt in that situation (and it was real hurt, even though it didn't come from a place that made any sense or that was true) to manipulate my husband for attention. Sad, sad, sad. But true. The fact is, my father-in-law, does like me. He cares about me like he cares about his kids and the other spouses and he's not out to make me miserable. That's a fact and I know it.

It was because my perception of my place in the universe has changed that I was able to just be okay. I understood that it was an oversight of not-even-worth-talking-about proportions, and could go about my day not thinking about who likes me and who's excluding me. I could stay in the present and enjoy what was going on.

Ask yourself honestly if you've ever felt this way. Have you ever felt that someone planned something and deliberately left you off, when it really may have been an oversight on their part? Ever felt bad if you didn't get a phone call when you wanted one? Ever been a part of drama because someone else felt this way? It doesn't feel good, does it? You know what, maybe someone wanted to have a dinner party with just a certain group. That's okay. We can sometimes develop this "everyone's out to get me" mentality and it just isn't true (and if it is, you need to think of gathering a new group of people to hang out with or check your own actions to see what you're doing to bring that kind of attitude around you).

The best way to overcome this kind of faulty thinking is put yourself in another person's shoes. Think of how it may have played out. Think of times when you've made mistakes and forgotten people. When you develop this trick of being able to understand how another may have made a decision, you learn to give grace.

I Swear! If You Tick Me Off One More Time!

Have you heard yourself saying something like that? In your head, out loud, doesn’t matter. At that point, your blood pressure is rising, your ability to control your reactions is very limited, and you will say whatever comes to mind, regardless of how mean or hurtful it may be.

One of the things I know to be true about when I get to that point is that I have often ignored my triggers. I have let myself get to the point where I can no longer be in control of my emotions and my ability to be HERE now and I am much more susceptible to having my buttons pushed. Here are a few of my triggers, and what I do to put personal boundaries in place so that I can take care of my own serenity. See if you recognize yourself in any of them. Afterwards, I’ll give some tips on how you can start to recognize your own triggers.

·       Getting too hungry: I know I can go about 4 ½ to 5 hours without eating, after that, I start to get cranky and irritable.

Seems like this would be an obvious one to manage, but I often find myself in the situation where I go 6 or 7 hours without food. Now, I always make sure I have a granola bar, a small Trader Joe’s pack of almonds, or some healthy snack that doesn’t exploit my food issues.

·       Not being on time: This is an interesting one. I am the kind of person who starts to get stressed out when I know I am going to get to an event that starts at 8 pm at 7:50 pm. Unfortunately, my husband is a lot looser with time, so we often end up in spats because I am pretty much freaking out about the time, and he’s still choosing his shirt. Understand this, we’re not late, but the prospect of it happening throws me in to fits.

There’s a couple things I do now. If it seems we really are going to be late, then my husband and I have an agreement that I can take my own car and he’ll come separately (we’ve never had to use this one yet). The other thing I do is to talk to myself. No, really. I talk to myself. Very firmly, not out loud (usually), I tell myself that I can calm down, we’re not late, and that even if we were, maintaining serenity with my husband is more important.

·       Imagining what others are thinking: I know we’ve all done this, but it can throw me off for days. Imagine your friend starts to act a little distant, a little like something’s off. What’s the first thing you start thinking? If your answer is that there’s probably something going on in her life, then kudos for you. What I start thinking is that I must have done something wrong, she must be mad at me, there must be some problem I don’t know about. And when I get in to these tracks, I start to be mean to people around me. I’m so worked up about someone else’s ‘supposed’ feelings that my ability to be kind is reduced.

Now, I try very hard to do more self-talk: “This probably isn’t about me, there’s probably something going on with her.” Also, I ask my friend if anything’s up. If the person is a friend in truth, she will tell me what’s up. No more walking around imagining people hate me.

 

These are just three of several others, but knowing my triggers helps me understand when I am vulnerable to losing my equanimity. It’s all about setting my life up so I can continue to remain focused on the present. Since I’ve started really watching my triggers, I have felt my relationships (especially with my husband) improve, as well as my general sense of well-being.

To help you start to recognize your own triggers, try these:

1.     Whenever you find yourself in an irritable mood, ask yourself what you need. You may find that you are hungry or tired.

2.     If you get in to an argument that seems to have spiraled out of control, force yourself to think way back through to the beginning of the argument and to the hours right before. Did something happen? Did you argue with a co-worker? Did you get a parking ticket? Often, when we are annoyed with ourselves, it can be a trigger to take our frustrations out on others. In this case, you may need to learn to practice self-care and nurturing yourself.

 

Enjoy your Friday, friends! And have a great weekend