I know a way to
increase
love in your life, in others, and can continue to expand happiness in
waves.
It’s simple and easy, and yet many of us don’t do it nearly enough. It’s
easy
as pie, and just as sweet. It exists in the sincerely given compliment,
recognition
of a job well done, and in appreciation of a kindness given.
It seems like it
would be
easy to give a compliment. To tell a friend, “You look beautiful today”
or to
say to a classmate or colleague, “That was a fantastic presentation”.
Somehow,
though we may think these things, we don’t often give voice to our
feelings. I
recognized this in myself. And I knew it was due to a bit of envy, and
something else…
The more I sat
with those
feelings to understand what was happening; I realized I was doing the
one
up/one down game with myself again (and it was with myself, when I don’t
give
voice to what’s happening in my head, no one else is playing along). I
was
seeing myself as somehow superior or somehow lesser than the people in
my life.
Very rarely could I see myself as on the same ‘level,’ as it were. You
were
either better than me, so I should try to be like you, or you were worse
off,
in which case I should avoid you or pity you with my friendship. And,
therefore, by giving a compliment or an acknowledgement, I was either
placing
you even higher than you were, or I was putting you at my level (and I
couldn’t
do that!!). This came to me as a revelation.
As I came to
understand what
I was doing, I watched myself more. I tried to feel my feelings deeply,
to
really sit with them and see what was happening. Often, when I was
around those
who I considered superior, I felt a little tenseness in my gut, like an
upset
stomach. I felt on edge, a little overly aware of my actions and a
little
overly conscious. When I was with someone I considered below me, I felt
smug,
like I was smarter and knew better. I felt myself standing taller and
looking
down my nose a bit. I can tell you now I don’t like either of those
places.
I want to make it
clear, it
took several weeks of being exquisitely present, of really practicing
mindfulness for me to understand what I was doing. I thought I was
making
choices. Turns out I was following a script I have probably followed for
years
upon years.
When I became
more aware of
what I was doing, and realized that I didn’t want to be that way, I made
an
attempt to tell people what I was thinking. If a compliment came to
mind, I
found that source of love inside and gave that compliment with as much
sincerity as I could muster. If someone gave me good service at a
grocery
store, I told him or her. I tried not to let any good deed or kindness
go
unnoticed.
Here’s the really
awesome
thing that. When I gave love and kindness out, it DID NOT diminish. In
fact,
every time I was able to compliment someone, or recognize a kindness, I
felt
lighter, happier, more here. And those people, too. They often went
about their
days feeling happier. Because who doesn’t like to be noticed or
appreciated?
And those people were probably nicer to the people they met along their
day,
and to their families. Can you see how this works? You do something that
takes
nothing away from you, but rather, fills you up, and you increase
happiness in
the world. You cultivate JOY.
Here
are some tips on learning to express appreciation:
1. When
you think something about someone but find that you don’t give voice to
it,
examine why. There might something going on with you that you need
to work on.
2.
Understand your intentions. When your intentions are love and joy, you
will get
that in return, but when your intentions are not so pure (i.e. only
wanting to
kiss up or something along those lines), you’ll notice the love and joy
don’t
flow quite so freely. What I’m saying is, really mean it.
3.
Give yourself a goal. Try to give compliments or express appreciation
five
times a day. This exercise also forces you to be present because you
have to be
looking for opportunities. You learn to be grateful for the goodness in
the
world, and you learn a little about being here now.
By
the way, have I told you I appreciate you? Your interest in my writing
fills me
with joy and I can’t express in words how much happiness this exercise
is
bringing me. Thank you.