Being Here Now

How to Deal When Relationships Change

One of the the hardest things I deal with is changes in relationships. What happens is that I am super close to someone and then there are some feelings of distance and slight unease. I am changing, he or she is changing, the relationship isn't what it was. It doesn't even have to be that there is unease, maybe someone is moving or having a change in their own relationships (divorce, marriage, new partner, new baby, new friends) and it causes a subsequent shift in the relationship I have with that person. And I am afraid of what will happen.

Changes in relationships are perfectly normal things. They happen to every relationship, all the time. And yet, knowing this, I am still afraid.

Why? Because I have a tendency to make things about me. "If the relationship is changing," I reason, "it must be because of something I did or said, or didn't do or say."

But this is illogical and arrogant thinking. And it only serves to keep me stuck in a cycle of trying to do whatever I can to draw people closer to me, to make sure that the relationship never changes. I do too much, I offer too much, I ask too little for myself, constantly putting what I think and need second, or not even placing my wants and needs at all. It's a recipe for disaster, and NOT AT ALL the other person's fault.

See, here's the funny thing, when the relationship changes, it's not about me.  BUT what I think and feel and do as a result of those changes: Those are ALL about me. If I'm feeling sad or angry or insecure or mean or resentful, that's all about me. My feelings are my feelings, my friend said to me today, but no one can make me feel them, they are my own and I have to be responsible for them.

So then, what's next? What to do?

1. Cultivate the understanding that it is not about you when relationships change, evolve, transform.
2. Come to believe that change in relationships is normal and natural, not to be feared or avoided.
3. Accept the changes with grace, being mindful of your own desires to manipulate or control to have things go back the way they were. 
4. Check the balance of the relationship, are you doing too much, too little, being controlling, manipulative? Stop. Relax. Do the next right thing.

My life has been made amazing by the wonderful people who have come in to it over the past 4 years, but things can not forever remain the same. Change is necessary as we all grow and become more of who were always meant to be. When we want our relationships to stay the same, we are subconsciously asking the universe that we also remain the same. But what we really need is to evolve. To understand ourselves better and to be more mindful and fully present in our intimacy with ourselves and others.

This doesn't come when things stay the same, this happens only where there is change.

Finding Peace in High Stress Situations

I am losing my mind. Not kidding. It's the week of my brother's wedding...it's a destination wedding at an exotic locale and there's SO much going on. This is not your typical destination 15 minutes on the beach deal. We're having a full-on 5-day BIG Indian wedding. It's a little nuts.

I've got tons to do, a huge family performance choreographed that others still need to learn the steps to, and not much time to do it. I'm not kidding here, the last two days have been really tough on me. I've been feeling sorry for myself thinking, "No one else is helping." "Everything is on me." "I need to get this right."

In the process, I've lost my smile. And I woke up at 5:30 this morning feeling really sad about it.

You know what though....I've completely lost the plot. I'm NOT supposed to be stressing out. I'm supposed to be enjoying this time with my family (who have come in from all over the world) and just doing what I can, how I can, with no expectations.

What I know is that my brother is going to appreciate everything and that if things are not perfect, it will be the effort that matters.

I can admit, as I sit here my anxiety is still up, my heart is still in my throat, but I am feeling a change in perspective coming.

What I know is:

• I lost my serenity over the past couple of days
• I forgot how to center myself and I let my emotions take over
• I allowed myself to get sucked under by the fear of not being perfect.
• I do not have to feel this way.
• I have tools and tactics to regain balance and joy, and I can do them right now.
• I do not have to have expectations of anyone else.
• I am okay, I am free, I am just what I am supposed to be.

I am sure this will happen to all of us at one time or another. Here's how to find peace:

• STOP the negative trains of thought. Literally just yell "NO" in your mind when you hear yourself having negative thought patterns.
• Refocus on the HERE and NOW. Start paying attention to what is happening around you. Listen for the sounds, hear your heart beating.
• Pray. Someone is always listening.
• Accept that you can only do what you can do.
• Do what you can to the best of your ability, but strike a balance by not doing so much that you are anxious and afraid.
• Focus on the love and laughter in your life. Nothing else is important.

I love my brother. He's the first love of my life. This is going to be an amazing wedding and I am not going to let little things dampen my happiness for this most important time of his life.

My nino, getting married. To an amazing woman. It's a beautiful thing.

It's a Wonderful Day to Count Your Blessings

I am sitting in my den doing school work and thinking: "Wow. I am so lucky." And I am overcome with a feeling of gratitude and deep, deep joy.

When I think back to where I was three years ago, I am amazed at how far I have come.

I remember the way it was and the way it is now:

THEN: I was 40 pounds heavier. I would get out of breath easily and my fitness level was dismal. I hated going to the mall because I couldn't buy or wear anything cute or fun. I had to try on many, many items and nothing would fit. My skin was always troubled. I felt self-conscious about all the extra fat and thought I was horrible-looking.

NOW: I am strong and energetic. I laugh easily, have fun, and know that if I want to go hiking, I can go hiking. If I want to go to a spinning class, I can hang. I can go to the mall and walk in to any store and buy clothes without even having to try them on. I am frequently surprised by having to take things back to get a smaller size. My skin is clear, my eyes are bright, and I am comfortable with myself.  I could certainly lose more weight, but I am not trapped by it anymore. I know I eat healthfully, I am active, and I care about my health. That is a drastic and amazingly welcome change.

THEN: I was unhappy and unmotivated. I couldn't find pleasure in anything. I frequently left things unfinished and poorly done.

NOW: I am excited by life. I love what I am working towards (even though I am not always 100% sure of the final destination) and I take pride in everything I do.

THEN: I had no close friends and no good relationships. I was frequently lonely and bored. I did not have close relationships with my extended family and felt sorry for that.

NOW: I have several lovely friends and many close ones. I feel enveloped by the love and regard of good people: family and friends. I feel more connected than ever with my family and I love and appreciate all the wonderful people that have come to my life.

Think about your own life: where you have been, where you are now. Maybe there are things you wish could be different, but maybe there are things that are much better than what they were. Count those blessings and find strength to bring more joy in to your life.

Taking Care of the One You are Most Responsible For

What does your life look like?

• Are you busy all the time, constantly looking after those around you to the detriment of yourself?
• Are you busy all the time and seemingly getting nothing done?
• Are you sitting around with lots of time wishing you had more to do?

The issue here is time management, but it's also a little bit of self-management. I know people who are always busy running from one thing to the next, but they eat terribly and sleep terribly. I know others who have almost nothing to do and also eat and sleep terribly (I was that person!).

The question is: is your life allowing you the time you need to take care of the one entity you are most responsible to and for?

(If you're really feeling clueless, that entity is YOU!)

Part of becoming a responsible adult is doing the necessary things to be a whole, properly functioning being.

This means: eating right, sleeping enough, getting physical activity, and having some purpose in the world. You might also include (as I would) making sure my surroundings are tidy, participating in some spiritual endeavor daily, and other such things.

These are things meant to nourish you...from the inside out.

So what should do if you're not doing your best at taking care of you?

1. Look at the places where you are doing things that make you feel bad. These might include: constantly following up on other adult's errands (even if that other adult is a spouse or an adult child), sitting around on the computer for hours on end, eating too much, sleeping too little, watching too much TV.
2. Change the negatives gradually. If you watch too much TV, gradually reduce it. If you find yourself getting sucked in by the computer, give yourself a time limit. If you aren't eating well, make better plans.
3. Take pride in yourself and that fact that by taking responsibility for yourself you are increasing your personal integrity. When you take care of yourself you actually make time because your efficiency increases and you eliminate the time-wasting things. You can proud of that. Most people will never try.

I find that most people I talk to are fundamentally unhappy with the way their day-to-day life is going. I have, too. But it only takes a decision to change the trajectory. And you only have to make that decision once every day.

You can do it.

20 Tips to Help You Increase Your Energy NOW, #17, Start Planning

These last few weeks (and the next few weeks to come) have been extremely busy for me. I sometimes wonder where I will get all the time I need to accomplish all the things I need to. Quite honestly, when things feel most overwhelming, what has really helped me through this craziness to start planning.

I sit down, grab my planner, and start parceling out segments of time for specific tasks. Just putting down all the little things floating in my head on paper helps me manage. It also takes the mental strain away because I don't have to think about what to do next. I just have to look at my plan and get moving.

Invariably, I feel much more relaxed and focused after doing these planning sessions.

Try it!

Check out the other Increasing Energy tips:

• Move More
• Self-Care
• Eat Less
• Partner Up
• Plan Your Day in Advance
• Take a Mental Break
• Play Music
• Put Some Things Away
• Invite People Over
• Visualize Where You Want to Be
• Accomplish Something
• Do Something for Someone Else
• Do Something New
• Make it a Competition
• Call Mom
• Take Inspiration from Others

A Very Useful Update to the Blog

As I've now built up quite a few posts, I thought it would be a good idea to create a more user-friendly archive.

And so I have!

The link for this new archive shows up on the left side of this page (and I've provided the link below):

A Really Useful Archive

For those who may not have been with me from the beginning,  you may find some of the earlier posts interesting. Or maybe you want to go back and read some of the ones you've missed.

And it helps me see what I've written. It's kind of nice to see that long list.

Having the Integrity to Say No

Remember that thing you signed up to do? You knew it was too much, you knew you couldn't really take it on, but you did. You said YES because you didn't want to hurt someone's feelings?

I've done it a hundred and one times. Times 2.

What I have to say here is really important: It takes integrity to say NO.

Saying Yes when we really can't take things on does several things:

• It creates space for building resentments.
• It makes us move things that are important to us down the list.
• It steals our sense of peace and serenity.
• It causes stress and panic because we don't want to let others down.
• It puts us in the position of doing more than we really should or can.
• It creates room for mistakes.

When you say No you do several things:

• You acknowledge that your time, serenity, and other priorities are important to you.
• You show that you have boundaries.
• You signal that you will not be the "go-to" for the things that have fallen off other people's plates or radars.

Saying NO takes giving up the notion that people will like us more or that we'll get something in return.

When we say yes when we want to say no, we have to wonder why.

• What are we trying to gain?
• Are we trying not to look bad?
• Are we trying to prove we're a good friend?

We have to take a deep look at our own motivations to check our own assumptions and needs.

Saying No makes you the focal point of your life. Which is where you should be. You have responsibilities and jobs. Maybe you have kids, a spouse, a job, parents that you're taking care of, whatever. Maybe you're in between jobs and have lots of free time. It's doesn't actually matter. When you say YES and your heart isn't completely in what you've been asked to do, consider whether it would be more appropriate to say No. If you feel like you've been taken advantage of and you will likely build resentments, it would probably be better to say No.

It takes integrity to say No.

Operating Under the Principle that Everything Will be Okay

This is another Truth. It's solid and constant. You can trust it.

Everything is going to be okay.

Bad things happen, horrible things happen, people are lost, lives are shattered, hearts are broken. But even then. Everything is eventually okay.

I learned this Truth with some difficulty.  I didn't want to just trust that things would work out. I wanted to meddle, control, fix, and manage until I got things to where I thought they should be. But life always had a way of working itself out without my help. I often did not get what I wanted. Sometimes I got what I hated.

But in the end, everything is okay.

And now I look back and say: Thank God things worked the way they DID and not the way I wanted them to.

Isn't that interesting? How life gives us exactly what we need?

What we must always strive to have are eyes that can see, ears that can hear, and hearts that are open to the possibilities of what the world is offering us.

If you've been reading my blog, you know things have not always been a puddle of sunshine for me. But today, this day, is my finest hour. I have so much happiness and so much perspective and so much serenity, I almost feel guilty about it.

But I don't. I know what I have learned. I know that I have found that place that lets me know that I am always and was always everything I am supposed to be. I know life will continue to bring lessons to my door. I know that life is going to continue to give me exactly what I need and that everything will always be okay.

 

Learn to Take Your Own Advice

Yesterday, I had a bit of an emotional breakdown. I didn't scream and cry and go crazy, but sometimes, when I feel unsettled deep inside, I start shaking uncontrollably. It's a very odd feeling. My husband and I were eating lunch and I couldn't even get my fork to my mouth because my hands were shaking so much. It was a scary feeling and that made my state of unease even more pronounced.

While we were eating, my husband, in that gentle but mischievous way of his, says to me, "You know I read this great blog." And immediately, I'm thinking, "Huh!? Another one besides mine!?" But I digress... So he continues, "Yeah, this blogger is really smart. One article I read said that when you need a 'pick-me-up' you should call your mom." Now he's almost smirking, and I'm sitting back a little chagrined. He continues, "Mmm hmm. And the blogger's always talking about being in the moment. Being aware and grateful for this minute, right now."

And it hit me between the eyes.

I am excellent at giving advice. I can dish it out like ice cream and make it taste just as sweet. But taking it myself can feel like swallowing a bitter pill. And I know there are several (hoards, really) of you out there just like me.

BUT!!!

The lesson is that we all know what to do. We have the answers (ALL THE TIME) right where we need them. We are unequipped to handle our lives and our emotions. We sometimes choose not to be our best advocates and we choose not to listen to the voice of sanity and reason that compels to live in a way which keeps us the most sane (a little insanity makes life interesting, don't you think?).

In the midst of my shaking, I was able to hear my husband's words and to reflect on the deep, deep well of inspiration and strength I have inside of me. Gradually, much sooner than on previous occassions, the feelings subsided and I was restored to a state of calm. He helped me tremendously, but in the end, it was my own advice that led me through.

20 Tips to Help You Increase Your Energy NOW, #16, Take Inspiration from Others

If you've read a fitness magazine or watched shows like the 'Biggest Loser' you know the power of a Before and an After. People love to see where others have been and where they end up. Stories of transformation are powerful and energizing. "If they can do it", we think, "I can, too!"

In a similar way, hearing people talk about their life changes and the way they've rewritten their reality is a powerful motivator. You might not be trying to build a village in Nigeria, you may just be trying to get through your day, but the effect of someone else's story of triumph can be powerfully moving (literally and figuratively!).

The next time you're feeling like you can't get through your day, search out stories of triumph, of success, and of living well.

Here are a couple I like:

An story about an amazing dog

 

 

Randy Pausch Graduation Speech:

 

Read the rest of the Increasing Energy series:

• Move More
• Self-Care
• Eat Less
• Partner Up
• Plan Your Day in Advance
• Take a Mental Break
• Play Music
• Put Some Things Away
• Invite People Over
• Visualize Where You Want to Be
• Accomplish Something
• Do Something for Someone Else
• Do Something New
• Make it a Competition
• Call Mom

Acting with the Best Intentions Means You Never Have to be a Pushover

Here's something I know: If your heart is always in a good place, if you always live with the intention of NOT hurting others, you never have to be afraid of speaking your truth.

When we are the target of gossip, or when we hurt another's feelings unintentionally, if we are absolutely sure our intentions were not malicious, we can never be afraid to address the issues directly.

In the past, I have always been deathly afraid of confrontation, mostly because I knew my heart wasn't always in the right place. I did do things to hurt others, or to leave them out. I did act in ways that did not live up to my highest ideals for myself. But I don't do that anymore.

These days, I live with a pure heart and with the intention to cause no harm. Sometimes I do cause harm, though, but it is not because I set out to do so. In all cases, it is a mistake.

Sometimes others are hurt by my mistakes. Or are annoyed by them. They may act in ways that are unforgiving and unkind. But because I know there was no malice in my heart, I can voice my truth without guilt.

My heart and mind are free to address the situation calmly and with a firm grasp on my emotions, whatever they may be: anger, hurt, sorrow, fear. 

This doesn't mean that I allow myself to engage in malicious talk, gossip, name-calling, or other deeply negative actions in order to avenge my hurts. That would only make me bitter and mean. I discuss my feelings with the person at the center of the misunderstanding, the person who I've committed a mistake against, the person gossiping about me.

And when I allow myself the gift of releasing my negative emotions, I don't have to be bogged down by them. I can let them go, give them up, and go back to living with a whole heart.

The whole point of personal transformation is to live with integrity in as many ways as possible. To always do the right thing. But we have to understand we are also human. We make mistakes as we interact with others in the world. However, when we decide that we are going to live with integrity, we have to figure out how to also have integrity to ourselves. We must make sure we are always kind to ourselves. And so it is important not to be a pushover when others might be unkind, but it is also important not to perpetuate the negativity.